Thought Tantrums

I've been thinking a bit about emotional states and reactions, trying to figure out if what I personally experience is at all relevant to what other people experience. I've come to believe that it doesn't matter. I know I do a thing that everyone else also seems to do, and that is to think about everything only in reference to myself. I've learned over and over that doing so doesn't improve a thing, and I've even come up with a name for it: "bootstrapping." As in 'trying to pull yourself up by your own bootstraps.' Here's what I've provisionally understood: Attempting to evaluate or make judgments about a thing, or a state, or a condition, based on nothing more than a set of ideas that I have about it (especially any ideas that include the concept of "should") is utterly deluded.

If the condition is entirely internal, and my ideas about it also have no outside referents, then any attempt to change the situation by thinking about it becomes positively deranged, not to mention futile and ridiculous. I mean think about it! Trying to change my thoughts by changing my thoughts? How would that work? What if my thoughts don't feel like changing? Who is it that's thinking the unhappy thoughts, and who is it that's thinking the nice, cozy thoughts that are supposed to change the unhappy thoughts? Oh yeah, and who is thinking the authoritarian, judgmental thoughts that are supposed to make those spoiled-rotten thoughts feel ashamed of themselves and pull their tiny theoretical heads out of their little conceptual asses and slouch off to their rooms without any dinner?

So my checkpoint becomes, do I actually have an outside referent? For example, if I am unhappy because I am very hot and thirsty, is it because I am working outside in the sun (hot sun = outside referent) in the middle of the day? If so, then I can move into the shade and drink water to relieve the discomfort. If, on the other hand, I am upset days in advance of a vacation trip because I am anticipating an uncomfortable airline flight, a strange bed, and a lack of my own espresso machine, is it because of.......ummm, what is the outside referent? Gosh, I can't find one! Not one damn thing outside myself for me to relate to. All of my thoughts about it are utterly non-relative, and it becomes crystal clear that my state of mind is nothing more than a wild self-generated chimera. In that case, the feeling becomes just a feeling, one that does not require resolution. When that happens, it sometimes becomes evident that there is a small outside referent for the feeling that became a trigger for my mind to go into its jester's dance. Occasionally, by dealing with the trigger referent, the feeling can be eased to some extent. In the case of the vacation, the trigger might have been the thought of packing for the trip. In that case, there is (sort of) an outside referent: my suitcase. So I can relieve the distress somewhat by getting out the suitcase, and putting one item in it that I am sure I am going to take with me. Then I leave the suitcase out in plain sight, and whenever I get all wound up, I can go and put another item in the suitcase. Or not. I might just stand in front of the suitcase, and zip and unzip it a few times until it penetrates my tantruming brain that the only thing I can actually physically touch or relate to in this moment is the stupid suitcase, and I can only either pack something in it, or not pack anything right now.

Another note: I've found that talking to other people about how I feel does NOT qualify as an outside referent. It can help, but only as a temporary pressure-release valve. I still have to find the outside referent all on my own.

So, what does a body do when there is no outside referent, and there is still a full-blown tantrum in progress? In that case I imagine what I would do if a real live child for whom I had a duty of care was having a tantrum. Would I yell at the child? Would I grab it by the arm and lift it off the ground and shake it? Would I grab its little tear-streaked face and force it to look at me while I explained how it was being stupid and obstinate and it should stop it right now? Would I kick its little prostrate body in frustration? Would I walk away and abandon it out of embarrassment? Would I give in, and bribe the little shit by giving it what it wants? I think I would not do any of those things. Most likely, I would patiently keep it company while the tantrum ran its course, and then carry on with things as usual after things had calmed down.

Once I came to that conclusion, I decided that I would respond to my own mental tantrums in the same way, with patience, forbearance, understanding and good-will toward 'all sentient beings,' which of course includes me, myself, and I.