Series: Spiritual Disciplines - Soul Friendship

Series: Reflections on the Spiritual Disciplines; Disciplines of Engagement.

#4 Soul Friendship (Anamchara)

Soul Friendship is a committed discipline. An anamchara is not a “soulmate.” Anamchara is an Irish Gaelic word that can be translated as ‘mentor,’ ‘guide,’ ‘kindred spirit,’ or ‘soul friend.’ It is often used as a synonym for ‘spiritual director.’

In my own life and experience, my understanding of the word truly began to evolve when my friend Cynthia and I decided to form an intentional household (as we called it then) and make the financial move of equitably dividing the cost of paying off the mortgage on my house, and to make a commitment to share a life devoted to contemplation, prayer, and silence. We developed a list of Intentions to which we are dedicated, and formally pledged to live according to those Intentions in a short ceremony at our (Episcopal) church.

For me this all took place in the context of completing my year-long novitiate in the Lindisfarne Community, and making my profession as a ‘secular monastic’ in June of 2017. At that same retreat in June, our intentional household was commissioned as a Hermitage of the Lindisfarne Community: The Waystead.

In the time we have shared our living spaces, and become accustomed to daily life as dedicated and mindful helpmeets, we have effectively developed a pattern or model of how to be anamchara to one another. Our model is one of equals, and finds its most active expression in what we have come to call our “anamchara talks.” These talks can arise out of some trouble that is disturbing one of us, or they might arise out of some ethical or moral question, or even out of some delight or joy that one of us wants to share with the other. The first Waystead Intention is this: “To mutually sustain one another in our contemplative practice as God’s friends, through our friendship as anamchara.”

One of the most important guiding principles we have developed is what we call “the third option.” This is very useful in the times when we have become stuck in between two alternatives and feel that we have no other choices available. The discipline of the third option is to actively think outside that either-or box, and look for a solution that ‘changes the rules’ in a way that adds to our freedom. We usually know when we have found the third option because we get a feeling of relief, and we often break out in laughter at the grace and aptness of the answer we find. We also practice two other disciplines, the first of which we have come to call “holding space,” and the second, “sitting with” a distressing or painful feeling or condition. Holding space is a wonderful practice of actively accommodating and protecting another person’s physical, mental, and emotional space. Sitting with, or being present to, a difficult circumstance is the work of allowing distress to exist as simple distress, without any attempt to control, evaluate, resist, or resent the condition we find ourselves in at the moment.

This is what Anamchairdeas is not:  a friendship in which one person is trying to get something from the other; not a relationship that revolves around wants and wishes; demands or commands; expectations or calculations.  

“Love allows understanding to dawn, and understanding is precious. Where you are understood, you are at home. Understanding nourishes belonging. When you really feel understood, you feel free to release yourself into the trust and shelter of the other person's soul.”

-and-

 “Your noble friend will not accept pretension but will gently and very firmly confront you with your own blindness. Such friendship is creative and critical; it is willing to negotiate awkward and uneven territories of contradiction and woundedness.”

-and-

“Behind your image, below your words, above your thoughts, the silence of another world waits.”

― John O'Donohue, Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom 

This is what Anamchairdeas is:  a friendship between two people who are centered on God, or Tao, or Truth, or the Way. It recognizes; it includes; it sustains and endures. It is rooted in understanding and acknowledgment; in patience and generosity. It is a pilgrim friendship; a pact between wayfarers wandering in the same realm. It is a bond established by a shared practice; a mutual path. It is two navigators taking bearings by the same stars; two ships whose sails fill with the same wind; two oxen under the same yoke; two workers in the same field.

The defining trait of an anamchara is acknowledgment of the exacting nature of the bond.