No Remedy

“You can be anything you want to be.” I call that complete and utter bullshit!

I’m speaking out against all the inexhaustible and endemic drivel that masquerades as wisdom, especially in so-called ‘memes’ on social media. “Be grateful.” “Love yourself.” “Hugs make it better.” “Love yourself for who you are.”

(I did find a small ray of hope in that some people are taking the trouble to edit these flaccid imitations of wisdom into something that is at least slightly more honest, and re-post the results.)

I think the trouble at the root of my aversion to these simpering remedies is that they try to convince us that the conditions of everyday life are so hostile that we must lie to ourselves about how bad it is, and put all of our mental energy into some sugar-coated rationalization which will let us cover up all of the troublesome inconvenience and messiness of reality with a blanket of schmaltz, and ignore all of the ramifications. The thing is, all of this ready and trite advice is unequivocally pointless. It’s a trick; a shell game. An effort to get us to believe that it's possible for us to find the pea under one of those cups, and what’s worse, convince us that the pea is absolutely essential to our survival. If we are suckers enough to keep on looking for that damn pea over and over again without finding it, all the while ignoring the basic demands of life, then of course we will never manage to get our shit together— and the truly tragic thing about all of this is that there is no pea!

Seriously, look at what occurs when everyone is convinced that ignoring the real presence of adversity in favor of retreating into ‘positive self-talk’ is going to somehow improve things! What happens then is a group effort to cooperate in denying that anything is wrong at all, instead of taking a hard look at the real state of affairs and tackling it with courage and tenacity.

(I can’t think of anything more pathetic than someone posting a request for a hug on social media, unless it is the resulting spate of responses, complete with little hug emojis.)

I want to climb up on a roof somewhere with a bullhorn and shout “It’s not that bad, people!”

I suspect that much of this kind of denial is the result of modern marketing strategies. If you can convince someone that they can actually buy something which will make other people see them as important, interesting, or powerful, then you’ve got them on the hook.

This is my favorite movie quote: “Life is pain, Princess. Anyone who says differently is selling something.” (The Princess Bride)  I think I must be reassured by this quote because it tells me that I’m not the only one who’s seen this connection.

We are so used to being swindled in this way, that we just don’t notice that this attitude has become self-perpetuating. We don’t even need to be convinced anymore. We just keep right on automatically giving ourselves the spiel, while never noticing that we’ve lost our self-sufficiency, and our integrity.

We’ve made it all about us; about what we want; about what ought to be.

We are so preoccupied with ourselves that we don’t even lift our heads and look around us. We are so convinced we are weak and helpless, and we believe we are so much at the mercy of circumstances, that we must be constantly reassured. Not only do we seek frantically for that reassurance from other people, we’ve also been persuaded to believe that we must constantly repeat to ourselves a kind of internal ‘comfort mantra’.

I want to go back and take a look at the word that I used before when I was talking about what we’ve lost: “Integrity.” ‘Integrity’ doesn’t mean just ‘honesty’. It also means ‘structural soundness’ and ‘sturdiness’. The word ‘integrity’ also implies coherence, unity, and togetherness. Look it up, if you don’t believe me.

So, what do we do about all this? What’s the remedy?

The answer is—There is no remedy!

But the Good News is that human beings are amazing! We are absolute wonders; complex interdependent systems that generate both love and hate; kindness and cruelty; joy and despair.

We are both fragile and indestructible; we abide in the tension between the two!

 We don’t need to somehow persuade ourselves that what hurts us will stop hurting if we just tell ourselves the right story. We don’t need to change anything. We don’t need to pretend that we are fragile and breakable in hopes that others will comfort us.

I know that when I feel the urge to comfort someone, it’s not when they are asking me to make it better. No, it’s when I see someone who is struggling to get up and keep going; and it isn’t exactly ‘comfort’ that I feel the impulse toward— no, it’s more like wanting to give them a hand to help them up, and a shoulder to lean on until they can get their legs under them again. It’s an action— one that renews our shared integrity; one that connects us with the sturdy earth under our feet; one that combines our strength so that we can get on with doing what we need to do. It’s an act filled with courage and trust.

I also know this—  when I’m suffering and someone says to me, “It’ll be okay,” or “You’ve got this,” and pats me on the shoulder, I don’t feel any relief. Instead, I feel I’m being condescended to, and dismissed.

No, it’s when they say, “How can I help?” that I feel relieved. When I’ve gone down and I’m struggling to get up, it’s when they hold out their hand to help me up, and wait for me to take hold of it, that I feel a true sense of reprieve. It’s when they don’t try to pick me up and carry me; it’s when they don’t try to grab my burden away from me, that I feel genuine encouragement. No, it’s when they take hold of the other side of my load and help me lift that I feel truly heartened!

That must be why I love these lines from Tennyson so much—

“We are not now that strength which in old days

Moved earth and heaven; that which we are, we are;

One equal temper of heroic hearts,

Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will

To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.”

—“That which we are, we are”—